Abandonment lows, party highs

Looking back over my deep dark depressive periods it very noticeable there’s an emptiness almost an abandonment of people!

So I ask you this. Are people scared of depression? Is it really such a horrible concept? I know it’s no fun, for either the sufferer or the loved one but is it really something to hide from?

Manic periods, now here I have a thousand and one best friends, usually because I pick the rounds bar tab up, I buy the shots granted I do suggest them too but I also supply them.

We’re are these happy fun ppl when I need them when it’s dark and I need the light forcing on, when I need prompting to eat or wash or change my clothes? All the embarrassing things that people prefer not to admit!

Me I openly admit it, if you see me disheveled I’m having a real bad day, if you see me under dressed out the house drag my butt screaming back inside before I do some damage

My recovery journey

I opened this blog to RANT again after yet another verbal altercation with him who now shall not be mentioned, then realised I’m trying to move forward I’m trying to leave him behind yet my blog is consumed by him

So starting tomorrow I will write a journal style blog rather than a jumbled mass of rants.

I will document my Steps to move forward on my recovery journey

“Go kill yourself” he said

After a long weekend of family time, lunches, coffee shop visits cinema family meal and almost acceptable company he’s back to his nasty ways.
Tonight I’m to “do the world a favour and go kill yourself but don’t fail this time!”
I was absolutely dumbstruck. This wasn’t the first time he’s said this but I don’t even know where it came from.
Our chocolate lab was sick needed a vets visit, I rang him to inform him, he accused me of mistreating her not looking after her and finally of poisoning her
Now my dog is my fur-baby my other child she is very well loved and looked after. It stung like hell
Then the final straw was the kids hearing him tell me to kilo myself. You see I’ve come a long way this year educating myself about my bipolar but this time last year I took a near fatal overdose, it’s a small mercy Im alive. My 18 year old daughter saw me unconscious in hospital hooked up to machines all sense of dignity ebbing away while I had all body functions controlled in icu.
This was the worst time for my kids and me. Next Sunday marks the day I survived a year after a suicide attempt, I’m not all well but I’m getting there I’m stronger I’m happier I just need to work on my everyday life.
To hear this man order me to do that again threw me, who even says that stuff? Who would be so callous?

I can guarantee in 2-3days he’ll say sorry and think I should forgive him. It will be my fault, I will have annoyed him, got on his nerves whatever his daily excuse is.

I need to break free from this narcissistic sociopath I may love him but I know it’s going to kill me. If he had of sprouted his crap on a particularly low day or manic period I’d have thought it was a good idea and what would have happened doesn’t bare thinking about.

The fact this man wishes I’d kill myself can’t possibly ever be mistaken as love not even by a narcissist

Gluten for punishment

If I know without a shadow of a doubt the man I’m married to will never be the one to make me anything but miserable why am I not running for the hills?

Let me explain, this man repeatedly tells me he doesn’t love me, not just as in he’s said it 5 or 6 or even 20 times during the relationship it’s been almost Daily for years and last few months it’s been several times a day.
He offers I support, if I need medical care, or hospitalisation and I confide in him he says what are you telling me for its nothing to do with me, I couldn’t care less.
Gee’s already that sounds as and that’s just tip of the iceberg but this wasn’t a slanging off grudge blog so the rest can stay where it is as I think you get the picture and can understand why I feel less than important to him, unloved by him and neglected.
So I file for a divorce, under my nagging he signs the papers. I feel a bit bad for way they are signed but they done.
Now he’s telling me he loves me and the kids and doesn’t want the divorce. He’s been slightly more attentive, spent more time with the kids which is fantastic but he’s still telling me things like I annoy him, I wind him up, I get on his nerves, he wants a divorce (he does tell me he doesn’t want one too though)
I’m not allowed to contact him at all as this is seen as hassling him.
If I’m talking to him he does everything in his power to distract himself, looks in windows, names cars, taxis that are padding he’s worked on anything so he doesn’t have to properly listen to me. He doesn’t touch me, hold my hand, kiss me or show me any intimacy at all. He doesn’t ask to stop over, he doesn’t make any plans to see us we have to arrange to see him, choose and arrange activity day and most of the time finance the activity too, I get that his business is struggling but I’m struggling too and a single mum.

All of this yet he still ferociously claims HE is the one trying to fix the marriage!

Why am I allowing him to behave in this manner? Why because I love him, in a way I do. He annoys the pants off me, leaves me feeling damaged and broken, hurt and neglected.
I questioned myself today, he walked into the pub he’d made an effort to get changed out of his work clothes but hadn’t been properly washed of shaven, my first thought was if a guy walk in our first date looking like him what would I do? I know for a fact I’d politely spend as little time as possible with him the excuse myself.

I’m in a messy place, I wouldn’t date this man, I can’t see a future with him, can’t even be in the same building as him for more than a few hours

Yet

I can’t let go, I can’t cut contact, I don’t want to imagine my future without him

What the blinkers am I playing at, someone get me a stun gun I’ll punish myself with that everytime I decide to contact him it would be kinder