iPhone addiction

I’ve owned iPhones for roughly 5 years, and it’s only now today that I’ve realised I’m addicted to it.

I’m 40 years old, I have bipolar disorder, I’m unemployed today is the day my decree absolute is pronounced announced issued what ever you want to call it, but more importantly it’s the day I’ve finally admitted im addicted to my phone.

I crave constant social media attention, texts, calls, Google whatever so long as I can do it in my phone. I no longer use my laptop, my iPad or pc just my iPhone but it’s taking over my life.

I was upset one day do left the house intentionally leaving my phone behind, I was out 2 hours and if Id have left one of my kids behind I wouldn’t have had the severe anxiety and constantly like being for my phone.

How the hell do you tell ppl im addicted to my phone, I can easily spend the whole day without it leaving my hand and I’m talking 18-20 hours constant usage.
How do I even begin to fix this problem and regain my life? I don’t know what to do with myself, my recovery is going fine my episodes are less frequent but my life is a black hole. I can’t bare my own company so I use my phone facebook, Instagram, Twitter snapchat texts you name it, if it passes the time I do it. I have one hell of an addiction and I need help

I’m proud of me

Been a few weeks since I wrote in here, a very turbulent few weeks.
I don’t know exactly how the shift came about or why but I do know I received 2 very upsetting belittling texts. My usual instinct would be come out fighting, reply and defend myself which then ends i slagging matches and me feeling like poop. No this time I turned to the people closet to me, I shared the texts with them I ranted to my nearest instead. I sat on the texts and the more I did the more I was able to rationalise the contexts of the texts. The more I did this the better I felt.

There’s a lot of things that I’ve thought were character flaws in myself but thinking on these two texts has enabled me to turn what I was made to believe to be character flaws on their head and look at them with my own eyes value myself for what I am

I am bloody proud of me, I like me, in fact I love me!!

Decree nisi day

4:45am 31st dec
I’m so confused!

29th my decree nisi was pronounced
30th our anniversary we spend the evening together nothing romantic just films take away and chatting. It was like old times, laughing and joking around. It was agreed we’d not discuss our problem just have an evening together.

I still don’t trust him, I know it can’t go back and be like that all the time, I know I’ll get hurt if I try again but I’m hurting anyway.

Do I walk away or leave things as they are?

Torn apart

Feeling like my world has been torn apart.
Grief isn’t required or welcome
I just want to sleep,
sleep until i can wake
and it’s all over
Life as i know it
will never be the same

Festive fiasco

Usually I love this time of year, every year I’m constantly at the shops making sure we have everything. Planning, shopping preparing wrapping. Making, crafts you name it festive I do it. Just not this year, I’ve not been out for days. We had to usual festive jumper xmas meal at the local but since then I’ve not left the house. I’m having trouble sleeping, I don’t feel low as such just totally drained, incapable of doing anything or leaving the house or getting dressed.
My friendship relationships are lapsing too, I’m having a hard time staying in touch and boy am I grouchy lately. I’ve had a headache through lack of sleep and actually told my son to shut up 😞 I apologised but I know I shouldn’t have took it out on him. I’m grouchy he’s excited not his fault it’s xmas eve eve as I’m forever being told.
Truth be known I can’t wait until this whole fiasco festive crap is over

Negative Objectionable relationships

Today has been a series of painful revelations.
How can one person be so dumb, I’m actually talking about myself no one else. I’ve spent most of today biting my tongue think, gees please shut the f*^k up (pardon my French)

So we have someone with bipolar and mediocre self-esteem, what happens when you pair this person up with someone who has such a high opinion of himself never listens, never even tries to be empathetic, and constantly disagrees or rejects what the other is say?
You end up with someone with bipolar, extremely low self esteem and a social black hole.

Today has taught me
•a relationship if any sorts wether it is platonic, sexual or loving should make you feel alive, good about yourself but most of all valued!
What do you do to relationships that do the polar opposite? You have two choices. Live with the drama and the negative repercussions

Or

Evict the negative person from your life

Now it’s just time for me to be strong and hopefully make the right decision

What is the point in it all

Today I give up
I’m so weary, tired and disheartened what is the point in it all

I’m so angry at everything, I can’t allow myself happiness
What is the point in it all

I can’t accept this is all there is
What is the point in it all

Just why am I even bothering

Trust issues

I’m finding myself looking for problems, waiting for the flaws to surface and the mistakes made that hurt instead of living in the moment I’m waiting for next drama.

I have serious trust issues, I give people way too many chances that they don’t deserved biting myself to be hurt over and over.

I’m prickly and hard to handle and the sorry state is, I don’t know how to change

Sulking

Today has mainly been a host of sulking (not mine) uncomfortable atmosphere and silence.

Gee’s I’d far rather argue than be out and out ignored. I always thought I’d prefer not to argue but boy being under same roof and pointedly ignored is a killer.

Today needs to jog on! I’m now tired, mildly manic and fed up.

Remember moods/ sleep and people can effect mood process

Eye opener blog

Wow
Reading back over your own blog is an eye opener.
thank you to the odd one or two people who have read my posts, also my sincere apologies for writing such utter anger filled garbage.
I never realised how angry I was inside until reading back over these posts. My posts have all had very similar content directed towards my ex.
I guess to move on I have to make peace with my emotions and feelings. Carrying this much frustrated anger around is unhealthy and it makes me just as bad as the person they are directed at.

That being said, I’d far rather rant and rave on a post than continue the repeated call/argument pattern. I have through writing this blog realised ringing him is a form of self-harm. I know it’s going to hurt, I know there is never going to be a good end result and I know it’s not going to be constructive discussion yet I do it anyway.

Away from all that, I’ve had a really crappy week. I haven’t left the house since Saturday night, I’ve not been dressed and I can’t push my self to do anything about it. I’m hoping I can use this frustration constructively tomorrow and get dressed get my butt out the door go shopping visit someone anything just to be able to have the thought of f you ex husband I don’t need you I can do it on my own.
Or at least that’s the plan so fingers crossed I’m out that door tomorrow 😄