iPhone addiction

I’ve owned iPhones for roughly 5 years, and it’s only now today that I’ve realised I’m addicted to it.

I’m 40 years old, I have bipolar disorder, I’m unemployed today is the day my decree absolute is pronounced announced issued what ever you want to call it, but more importantly it’s the day I’ve finally admitted im addicted to my phone.

I crave constant social media attention, texts, calls, Google whatever so long as I can do it in my phone. I no longer use my laptop, my iPad or pc just my iPhone but it’s taking over my life.

I was upset one day do left the house intentionally leaving my phone behind, I was out 2 hours and if Id have left one of my kids behind I wouldn’t have had the severe anxiety and constantly like being for my phone.

How the hell do you tell ppl im addicted to my phone, I can easily spend the whole day without it leaving my hand and I’m talking 18-20 hours constant usage.
How do I even begin to fix this problem and regain my life? I don’t know what to do with myself, my recovery is going fine my episodes are less frequent but my life is a black hole. I can’t bare my own company so I use my phone facebook, Instagram, Twitter snapchat texts you name it, if it passes the time I do it. I have one hell of an addiction and I need help

I’m proud of me

Been a few weeks since I wrote in here, a very turbulent few weeks.
I don’t know exactly how the shift came about or why but I do know I received 2 very upsetting belittling texts. My usual instinct would be come out fighting, reply and defend myself which then ends i slagging matches and me feeling like poop. No this time I turned to the people closet to me, I shared the texts with them I ranted to my nearest instead. I sat on the texts and the more I did the more I was able to rationalise the contexts of the texts. The more I did this the better I felt.

There’s a lot of things that I’ve thought were character flaws in myself but thinking on these two texts has enabled me to turn what I was made to believe to be character flaws on their head and look at them with my own eyes value myself for what I am

I am bloody proud of me, I like me, in fact I love me!!

Decree nisi day

4:45am 31st dec
I’m so confused!

29th my decree nisi was pronounced
30th our anniversary we spend the evening together nothing romantic just films take away and chatting. It was like old times, laughing and joking around. It was agreed we’d not discuss our problem just have an evening together.

I still don’t trust him, I know it can’t go back and be like that all the time, I know I’ll get hurt if I try again but I’m hurting anyway.

Do I walk away or leave things as they are?

Tearing myself apart

Try not to complain, there’s so many people worse off than me.

My problem
I’m still deeply in love with the man I’m divorcing.
He’s everything that’s wrong for me, he is physically abusive neglectful uncaring unkind verbally abusive the list is endless main thing is he makes me feel worthless

But

once he was loving kind caring and made me feel alive and that’s what I can’t let go of

Today he’s pulled out of all Christmas plans, the kids are devastated. He’s blaming me for this but he does this every year.
This year I paid £45 per person for xmas lunch and have had to go through the humiliating process of explaining why we will be a person down. This was supposed to be one last xmas as a family for the kids, a Christmas to be together. He’s nagged for the divorce to be stopped but I just didn’t trust him to change.

I was right.

We have agreed on non contact from both parties its me that has asked for it this time he just wants to pick at the marriage tell me how crap it was, how I ruined it, it’s all my fault. He glosses over the multiple prostitutes, the thousands he’s spent in drink and drugs instead accusing me of bleeding him dry and forcing him to live like a tramp.

I know this is all for the best, I really do
I know me cutting contact reducing the arguments is best for the kids
I know all this I really do

So why do I feel like I’m losing hope
Why does it still hurt so much
Why am I so damn scared.

Why is there no one to turn to to talk to about all the shit

Self preservation

We can’t force someone to make us a priority
It simply isn’t possible to make them love us
The way a person treats us is not a correct indication of what we deserve
But of what we allow.

To be that person with a smile in your heart
You simply have to chose what you will allow

Negative Objectionable relationships

Today has been a series of painful revelations.
How can one person be so dumb, I’m actually talking about myself no one else. I’ve spent most of today biting my tongue think, gees please shut the f*^k up (pardon my French)

So we have someone with bipolar and mediocre self-esteem, what happens when you pair this person up with someone who has such a high opinion of himself never listens, never even tries to be empathetic, and constantly disagrees or rejects what the other is say?
You end up with someone with bipolar, extremely low self esteem and a social black hole.

Today has taught me
•a relationship if any sorts wether it is platonic, sexual or loving should make you feel alive, good about yourself but most of all valued!
What do you do to relationships that do the polar opposite? You have two choices. Live with the drama and the negative repercussions

Or

Evict the negative person from your life

Now it’s just time for me to be strong and hopefully make the right decision

What is the point in it all

Today I give up
I’m so weary, tired and disheartened what is the point in it all

I’m so angry at everything, I can’t allow myself happiness
What is the point in it all

I can’t accept this is all there is
What is the point in it all

Just why am I even bothering

Trust issues

I’m finding myself looking for problems, waiting for the flaws to surface and the mistakes made that hurt instead of living in the moment I’m waiting for next drama.

I have serious trust issues, I give people way too many chances that they don’t deserved biting myself to be hurt over and over.

I’m prickly and hard to handle and the sorry state is, I don’t know how to change

Sulking

Today has mainly been a host of sulking (not mine) uncomfortable atmosphere and silence.

Gee’s I’d far rather argue than be out and out ignored. I always thought I’d prefer not to argue but boy being under same roof and pointedly ignored is a killer.

Today needs to jog on! I’m now tired, mildly manic and fed up.

Remember moods/ sleep and people can effect mood process

Fury

Right now I’m so wound up inside I can’t think of anything else.

Let me explain, my soon-to-be-ex husband has said the most horrendous things to me tonight. Well in actual fact 3 different nasty things. 2 of which he went on to apologise for, the third he refuses point blank to apologise for as he stands by what he said and it’s how he feels!

But

This things is about me, it’s about my feelings and he’s telling me how I feel towards a particular person. I’m so bloody annoyed for lots of reasons

Firstly, he knows I am not a fan of this person
Secondly how the hell change tell me how I feel
Thirdly he’s a prick (that’s my opinion at the moment and i sticking to it)

It shouldn’t matter to me what he thinks and to be honest I know it’s not true the people close to me know it’s not true but it’s got me so wound up inside.

This conversation/screaming match took place over 4 hours ago. It’s been only 50 minutes since he refused to apologise or take it back and I just can’t calm down. I’m so angry, every part of my body is tense, I can’t distract myself from these thoughts.

Surely it can’t be healthy to be this wound up, I’m annoyed but not in a violent way I’m questioning how can he say that how an he think that why is he saying that. The only thing I can come up with apart from he’s saying it to intentionally pee me off and hurt me is he’s got a massive issue with women he has no respect for them and automatically assumes they are out to hurt him so he’s lashing out at me because he’s hurt!

Well right now I’m hurt, I angry, I’m disappointed and I feel let down

At least I know why I’m getting divorced

I really could do with learning how to let go of this anger, how to let it ride over me. How to be strong and move on.

If only there was a magic pill that wipes out all the horrible nasty memories and takes away the feelings Id buy 2 one for now and one just incase I’m stupid again